i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
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And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
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You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something