we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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