He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
