I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
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i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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