you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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