Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My bed smells like the plague
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
