Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
