My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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