I CAN MOONWALK!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
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My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
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The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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