I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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