can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi