FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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