I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.