My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?