Yo dont text me then not text me
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
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You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
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I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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