One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
