I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole