I just pynch a tree in the face
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks