just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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