Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum