Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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