i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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