Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
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Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
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Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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