My underwear smells like fireworks.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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