Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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