As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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