this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
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