I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
