There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?