sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.