if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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