Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.