sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.