Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
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there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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