Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
