You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
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If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
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We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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