It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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