Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
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on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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