Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I wish there were birth control emojis
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
