I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
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