five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
