By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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