So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
