my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize