was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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