Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
