could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied