if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.