if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
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The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
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I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.