tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.