i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
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So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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