I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
