Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
