yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
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i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts