I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.