She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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