Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
