Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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