Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
